It's really bad here today. My husband is under the gun to move out of the garage he rents, because he doesn't have the money to continue renting. So he has to find space in our 1.5 car garage to store the stuff he used to keep in a 3 car, plus the tools and lawn mower, bikes, etc.
He is so stressed and so down trodden, that he can't pick himself up anymore. He has let life defeat him.
When I look at him, I can't even see him anymore. The man that used to love me and care for me and our children is gone. All I see when I look now, is total disgust for me and the burden I have caused him. I really believe that he not only doesn't love me anymore, but that my husband hates me.

Is your path straight?

Does your husband threaten to leave you all the time? Mine does. Just this morning, he was storming around the house screaming because he was still mad about me having to go to a doctor's appt. last night (he was stuck with the kids). On his way out the door, he told me I was a fu#king cu%t. He then went on to say "this, right here, is coming to an end", and he made a little circle in the air with his finger.
I live in constant fear that one of these days he will mean it and walk out on us. I struggle with that fear, because I know that I wasn't given a spirit of fear, but of power.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

I know that I can cry out to my Father in fear, and that He will comfort me, but all too many times, I lean on my own understanding, which fails me every time.

Proverbs 3:5-6

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

⁶ in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.


Am I leaning on my Father as I am commanded? Are you? I know that I have a long way to go before I can fully rely on the wisdom of my Lord. First, i need to move out of the way, and let Him work things out for my family.

Are you an idiot?

I am. At least according to my husband, I am. Funny, I used to think I was pretty smart. I was a great student, graduated in the top 10% of my class. I was given my pick of any job in the Navy because i scored so high on the ASVAB (armed services vocational aptitude battery) I have done very well at everything I every wanted to do. The only thing I can't seem to do, is please my husband, the man who is supposed to love me, "for better or for worse". Remember when your husband said that? I do. He stood before God himself and promised to love me, honor me, and CHERISH me, until we are parted by death. I don't think that my annoying him gets him out of that promise.
Marriage is an institution designed by God, in order to further His kingdom. My husband has never taken that seriously. I have never been cherished, never been honored. Sometimes I wish so much that I was what he wanted. I wish that I could make him happy. I spend every waking moment trying to love, honor and cherish the man I married. Somehow it is still not enough. I don't know what else to do.

I ran out of soda (language)

Are you having a bad day? I don't understand how anybody could get upset about soda. Was it really worth making me feel bad? I could have given you the money for a big gulp. But I don't think that was the issue, was it? I'm am easy target. You take all your anger out on me, the person who loves you more than anyone else in the world, because it's easy for you.
How many more years do you plan to make me to sit back and let you make me feel like I am worthless? It's funny, because a few years ago, I would have told you to screw off, but now, you have drilled that in to my head so deeply, that I believe you. I don't see my worth anymore. All I see in myself is a fat ass useless bitch. Is that what you were looking to do? If so, congrats.

Hurt

I don't know of any scripture to go with my post today. I am just hurting. Today, my husband told me that he is becoming detached. He doesn't feel like a part of our family any more. That is my failure as his wife. It is my responsibility to provide a good home for him, regardless of how he treats me. That is what the proverbs 31 woman tells us. I have failed my husband. I am feeling so sorry for myself that it is hard to breathe. All I want is to feel like he loves me. That's all I've ever wanted.

Sorry, but that's all I have right now.

I love you so much, you useless b$@ch.

Which is it? Does he love me so much, or am I useless to him? I don't know about you, but the hardest part for me is the constant back and forth. One minute I am special and feel so wonderful about our marriage, and the next, I am squashed under an angry foot. I feel as though I cannot do the right thing in any situation. Do you feel the same?
Where I was emotionally when I met him, seems a world from where I am now. I was strong. I was confident and driven. Today, I have been made to feel inadequate for so many years, that I'm not sure any more whether or not I am. There is one thing I do know, though. I know that I am a child of God. I know that it is not pleasing to the Lord for my husband to treat me the way he does. However, that does not give me cause to mistreat him.
the lesson in my ladies Sunday school class today was about submitting to our husbands. We are to submit in EVERY situation. Even the ones that we disagree with.

Ephesians 5:21-24

²¹Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. ²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

So there you have it. But why in the world would we listen to and support a man that is continuously disregarding us and going out of his way to make us hurt? Well, the Word of God has something to say about that, too. We can win our husbands to the Lord by our actions. Our actions can be the saving grace of our marriages, and our husbands souls!! What a great responsibility God has bestowed on us! We are given the opportunity to be living example of Christ's love in our homes.

1 Peter 3:1-2

¹Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ²when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.


That is a tremendous gift. Every man, no matter how cruel, or how callus, deserves the opportunity to feel the love of God. This, and this alone, is what will turn our lives around. With God's help, we can feel the genuine love of Christ through our husbands every day. It is just a matter of waiting on His time. Don't give up girls!! We are worth it, and so are our husbands.

How I am Going to Pray for My Husband

Lord, I thank you for my family, and for the challenges you have placed before us. I thank you for my life, and my husband, who faces challenges, and is challenging for me, but nothing is too big for You, Father. So, Lord, I place it all in your hands. I know that there is a reason that you have placed this man in my life, and I pray that you will make him the man You would have him be.
I pray that you will lay it on his heart to lead our family, as you have commanded. (Eph. 5:23)That he will be a spiritual leader in our home, Father, and set a good example for our children. That he will be transformed by the renewing of his mind, so that he may do your will (romans 12:2).
Lord, My husband's mouth is not always kind, may the words of his mouth and the meditation of his heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord (psalm 19:14). Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of his mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29). Simply let his 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and his 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one (Matt. 5:37). I pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel (Eph 6:19).
Lord, I also pray for the heart of my husband. I pray that he will Love the LORD our God with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his strength, as I do (Deut. 6:5). I ask that You will show him how to Trust in the You with all his heart, and lean not on his own understanding (Prov. 3:5). He is struggling to get by on his own, Lord, he does not know you. I know you can create in him a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within him (Psalm 51:10). He needs you so much, Lord. He is hurting without knowing your peace.
I pray also that the eyes of his heart may be enlightened in order that he may know the hope to which You have called him, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power for us who believe (Eph 1:18-19).
I thank you, Lord, for loving my husband so very much, and I pray that he will soon see your perfect love. In Jesus name, Amen.

~May the peace of the Lord be with you...

Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

My husband got new shirts for work. They have special shirts for this big promotion they do every year. So, he comes home yesterday with them in a white bag (a grocery store bag). I took the shirts out, washed them, and got them all ready for the coming week.
As it turns out, they are too small, and he needs to trade them in for the next size up. So, I packed them up and put them in a Walmart bag for him to take back to work. Unfortunately for me, I decided to put them in a different bag than they were in when he got them. This was my mistake. Apparently, I am not smart enough to realize that they need to be in the same bag because "everyone doesn't need to know our business".
According to him, this is my problem. I am incapable of making logical decisions. I should have realized that the Walmart bag would not be acceptable for him to return to work with.

I still don't get it. What's the big deal? Answer~ it's not a big deal. I'm not stupid.
He is angry.

So, what do I do with this knowledge?

Romans 12:20-21 (New International Version)

²⁰On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."^a]">[a] ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I pray for him. I pray that he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, and that his heart will be changed. We are to love our enemies. We are commanded to love in the midst of hate.

If I continue to do good to my husband, and love him despite his treatment of me, he will have no choice but to recognize the grace of God in me.

The proverbs 31 woman does not live in my house ~yet.

You know, I think I keep my house relatively clean. I have three small children, so it is far from pristine, but it is clean. Nothing is growing any place it shouldn't be, the floors get swept and vacuumed daily, mopped twice a week. My laundry is always done, I never let it pile up, and the dishes are done once or twice a day. I'm sure you can tell where I'm going with this.
I made the mistake of leaving a laundry basket ~ an empty laundry basket~ on the chair in the living room last night. Now, I have spent the morning listening to my husband telling me that our house is trashed, and I never clean anything, I just sit on the computer. Now, I admit, I do spend a fair amount of time on the computer, but everything is always done. My husband never wants for anything. It's not like I sit around blogging, and don't make dinner. He and the kids always have what they need, and my house is always "visitor ready", as I say to my kids.
So, where am I falling short? ~ I'm not. My husband has a problem. I live my life trying to grow in the word every day. I have come a long way in my journey as a Christian wife. I have gone from dreading housework, to finding joy in providing a comfortable clean home for my husband and children. I watch over the affairs of my household (proverbs 31:27). So, I'm working on it. I have a long way to go, but I am heading in the right direction.
If you are in my situation, with a husband who does not appreciate your efforts, I would encourage you to focus your attention on becoming the proverbs 31 woman ~ a woman who is worth far more than rubies (proverbs 31:10). What else do we have? After all, "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (proverbs 31:30).

Cup of coffee and a wake up call

That's what he told me I was to him. I am good for nothing but a cup of coffee and a wake up call. That is what my husband thinks of me, I am useless. Apparently, all he thinks I do well is to pull him out of bed in the morning, and make his coffee. But even though I can't make him happy, I am pleasing to the Lord. I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" (psalm 139:14), in the image of my Father. I am just who He wants me to be. I was made to serve Him, and in honoring my vows, I am doing that.

Although, I desperately want him to pull me close to him and say, "I love you... I have been so wrong." God willing, that day will come.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

When I needed clothes, you clothed me

I know there is nothing wrong with me. I know that there is no reason that a person should get as upset as he does over a pair of socks that are mismatched. Apparently, some socks are older than others, and my husband wants me to sort them by age, so that he doesn't wind up with one new fluffy sock and one old, not so fluffy sock. Ok. That's fine. But does there really need to be so much drama over the socks? Seriously, if the socks are mismatched, fix them. Don't waste time being mad at me about it. Right?
I don't need to cry over your socks.

The word of God says that whatever we do for the least of men, we do for the Lord. That must include folding socks, right? I have clothed my husband, despite years of ridicule, and anger. I have made sure that his clothes were set out every morning before he goes to work, not because he tells me to, but because I am eager to serve my husband to the best of my ability. I want to help him any way I can. I love him, and i love the Lord, and i seek to please both of them.

Matthew 25:37-40 (New International Version)

³⁷"Then the righteous will answer him,

'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you,

or thirsty and give you something to drink?

³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in,

or needing clothes and clothe you?

³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

⁴⁰"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth,

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine,

you did for me.'

Set me free fom my prison, that I may praise your name.

You read about it, you see it on TV, but no girl every dreams that she will be the one. Everything was so perfect in the beginning, he was so sweet, so cute, and so crazy about me.

I don't know how it happened, but 11 years and three kids later, I am an abused wife. My name is Leslie, and these are my stories.

I am a Christian woman, and I have the Word of God to get me through the times when I feel like I can't go on any more. I can always find hope in the arms of our Father. I know that the Lord will comfort me when my husband tells me that I am useless. That the Lord will come to my rescue when Michael calls me a stupid bi@*h. When my husband is screaming in my face and I am so scared, I know that the Lord Jesus is there, right by my side. Even though I know the word of God, it can be difficult to find the good in so much fear and sadness. I just need to remember to look.

⁵ I cried out to You, O LORD:
I said, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
⁶ Attend to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
⁷ Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name;
The righteous shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me.”
~Psalm 142:5-7

That is my solace. The lord will deliver me from my prison, and deal bountifully with me. I am His, and I am loved.